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If the Titanic sank today

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Here's how the President, the media and Wall Street would spin it

What would all the world's experts and authorities say today if the Titanic were sinking but nobody was willing to admit it? The U.S. economy, after all, is sinking and taking on an unprecedented volume of water (i.e. debt), yet virtually no one is willing to admit the obvious fact that this ship is sinking. And much like with the Titanic, most "experts" continue to claim the U.S. economy is unsinkable, despite the obvious evidence that we might want to start heading for the life rafts.

So in the spirit of comedy -- which is, after all, what we are witnessing in Washington these days -- imagine The Titanic hitting an iceberg in 2011, followed by a string of experts all trying to spin the story their own way. Here's what they might say:

The White House Press Secretary: The iceberg was placed in the Atlantic ocean by Osama Bin Laden.

The chemist: That's not an iceberg. It's merely solid-state di-hydrogen oxide.

Al Gore: That iceberg wouldn't have even been there if the polar caps weren't melting.

The Congressman: Quick, let's pass a new law that says ships shall not sink.

President Obama: The Titanic isn't sinking. It's merely engaged in "aquatic action."

Former President Bush: Icebergs are weapons of mass destruction planted in the ocean by terrorists. We must avenge the iceberg terrorists!

The Pentagon: We will equalize the hole in one side of the ship by blowing a matching hole in the other side.

The TSA inspector: You're not allowed onto a lifeboat until we check your anus for explosives.

The Cancer Doctor: We can't fix the hole in the ship, but through the miracle of chemotherapy, we can make you suffer so much that you won't care.

The Wall Street investment banker: Don't worry, the Fed will bail out all the water we're taking on. The Titanic is too big to fail.

The teenage girl: Can I still text on my iPhone under water?

Congressman Weiner: Yes you can, and by the way, here's a very special "going away" message for you to remember me by.

Average Joe: Is the ship's buffet still open?

The FDA: We believe the ship is sinking because of an e.coli infection that spread from the galley.

The CDC: Everybody should get vaccinated before the ship sinks, just in case there's a shark-flu virus in the water.

The New Ager: There is no hole in the ship unless you believe there is a hole in the ship.

The Academic: I have published a paper that proves this ship is unsinkable. Would anyone like to read it? Please?

The Catholic priest: I think we should save all the children first. Which lifeboat are they on again?

The Journalist: The Titanic has a hole in its side, but official sources tell us it's only "aquatic action" and there's no cause for alarm. And we believe them.

The Federal Reserve: We have decided to dump more water onto the ship in the hope of making it float.

The Federal Government: Hey, these deck chairs look pretty nice. Let's rearrange them!

The Doctor: We need to order a couple dozen CT scans of the ship's null and bill them to Medicare before we have any idea at all what to do.

The Denialist: Stop talking about negative things. Stay focused on the positive and you won't need a life vest.

The Realist: This ship is going down, folks. You might want to think about taking action to keep yourself alive.

The Gullible Masses: Don't worry, this ship is unsinkable.

Even if it did sink, there are plenty of lifeboats.

Even if there aren't enough lifeboats, we all have life jackets.

Even if we don't have enough life jackets, the government will come save us.

Source: If the Titanic sank today, here's how the President, the media and Wall Street would spin it (satire)

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