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Leaked: Mainstream Media's Dictionary. Letter B

Mainstream Media's DictionaryBy Imran Garda

baggage. n.

Part of travelling entourage left unfondled by the US Transportation Security Administration (TSA).

bailout. n.

Urgent taxpayer-funded cash payment for upgrade of banking executive’s yacht after financial crisis.

Bahrain. n.

Nothing happening here, move on.

bank. n.

Distressed and oppressed institution, in need of immediate government financial assistance. Advertises between our bulletins. See infallible, bailout.

Ban Ki-moon. n.

Short form of Korean name. Add “has called for all sides to exercise restraint and engage in dialogue" for full form.

banner. n.

Written public affirmation or statement, usually found at demonstrations. Banners with the words “PEACE; LOVE; HARMONY” or related concepts generally avoided. Camera ideally focused on “DEATH TO AMERICA; 9/11; SHARIA LAW; NO IMMIGRANTS; GO BACK TO MEXICO” and other related concepts.

Barack Obama. n.

See Messiah.

barbaric. adj.

Dastardly Third World acts like “honour-killing”, genital mutilation and sacrificial sheep slaughter. Not to be confused with first-world social issues. See crime, domestic abuse, McDonald’s.

BBC. n.

Moral compass. Useful website when AP, Reuters or AFP agencies are lacking in information. Copy-paste discouraged. Always re-phrase. See God.

bleak. adj.

See Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

bluff. v.

Any Hamas, FARC, Hezbollah, Naxalite, ETA, LTTE offer of peace or ceasefire without conditions.

bomb. n.

Top story.

border. n.

Arbitrary, 20th century artificial line drawn up by first-world leaders, imposed on third-world countries. Often heard in conjunction with Ban Ki-moon.

breaking news. n.

See airstrike, bomb, earthquake, tsunami or Tiger Woods.

brown. adj.

See suspect.

bulldoze. v. tr.

Peaceful clearing of disputed land to fulfil divine will. See West Bank.

burqas. n.

Banned, violent weapons engaged in asymmetric warfare aimed at overthrowing European values. Fears that there may be as many as five in Paris alone.

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