Saturday, February 24, 2018
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Leaked: Mainstream Media’s Dictionary. Letter C.

descartesBy Imran Garda

caliphate. n.

Future involving Ayman Al-Zawahiri sitting on a throne watching bearded footballers in long shorts contesting the Islamic Cup final in Seville.

capitalism. n.

Mankind’s last great hope, despite a little blip in 2008, caused by a few greedy bankers, that’s all.

carnage. n.

When the bad guys’ military confronts protesters with force.

catastrophe. n.

Good way to describe an earthquake or tsunami. Add “of biblical proportions” to increase viewership.

caucasian. adj.

Let’s leave the suspect’s race out of this, it’s not relevant.

catharsis. n.

The general feeling the smiling sports and weather anchors bring to viewers after all the death and destruction.

cartoonist. n.

Almighty warrior capable of insulting a billion people with single image. Pencil rumoured to contain mobile embassy-torching device.

change. n.

That thing that the people of the country our reporter spoke to (normally the porter, waiter and cleaning lady in the green zone hotel room) are calling for from their politicians.

checkpoint. n.

Hospitality checks in the occupied Palestinian territories to ensure neighbourhood safety.

cheerleader. n.

See journalist.

China. n.

Scary place where the fundamental human right of googling yourself is denied.

CIA. abbr. Central Intelligence Agency. n.

If I told you I’d have to kill you.

clashes. n.

When our military confronts protesters with force.

clithaurus. n.

Upcoming dictionary from same author looking at new, decent alternative words to use when wanting to say something dirty.

civilian. n.

Nameless, faceless, story-less people (preferably women and children) just minding their own business while sinister terrorists fire their weapons from nearby.

civilization. n.

Indispensable state of universal progression that needs preservation by a coalition of the willing.

CNN. n.

See competition; ratings.

collateral damage. n.

Those nameless, faceless, civilians who found themselves dead or injured when we fired back at the terrorists. Honest.

concrete. adj.

Mixture of sand, drivel and water, used to make steps that are promised to be taken by world powers to solve intractable conflicts.

coalition. n.

Group of well-intentioned nation states joining forces to bomb for peace.

cold-blooded. adj.

Miraculous medical condition that afflicts non-state militants when firing their weapons.

colonialism. n.

Can’t we just move on and focus on the present?

communist. n.

Archaic prototype of modern day terrorist, worships one less God.

condemn. v. tr.

Angry response by one of our leaders to cowardly act.

Congo (DRC). n.

Conflict since mid 1990‘s has killed estimated 6 million people here.

Journalists rarely seen, difficult to locate on map. See not-newsworthy.

Conrad, Joseph. n.

Author - The Heart of Darkness (1902). Last known western writer to take an interest in Congo (DRC).

conspiracy theory. n.

Popular theory that a President who choked on a pretzel could’ve masterminded an attack on his own country involving thousands, who have all so far managed to prevent any leaks in ten years.

contagion. n.

Spreading the good advice of The International Monetary Fund (IMF) from Greece to Spain.

cowardly. adj.

Act of blowing oneself up among others during war. Not to be confused with brave fighter pilots dropping bombs from 50000 feet.

crude. adj.

Homemade weapons of non-state actors. For our weapons, see precision, surgical.

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