Thursday, July 19, 2018
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Vendetta Out to Pasture: Maybe

Leon PanettaOutgoing Defense Secretary and apprentice shaman Lion Vendetta praised President Obama's attention to National Security today as he readies himself for his next assignment. Sources say Vendetta plans to continue his work on national security in a far less public role. Rumour has it that his next job will be more 'hands on'. Sources said that Vendetta has a real “flair” for operating video games.

When asked if Vendetta has real hands on experience operating drones his wife spoke up saying “He has plenty of practice, don't worry about that. He has spent more nights with Grand Theft Auto...”. Mrs. Vendetta stopped as her husband flashed a loving smile her way.

In a statement to MWC News, President Obama added weight to Mrs. Vendetta's praise saying, “Lion has no trouble at all when it comes to bombing terrorist cells hiding in children's houses. I'm sure he won't get all Geneva Conventions and moral whenever he spots terrorist looking adults.”

Vendetta repaid Obama's compliment saying, “The President is a man of action. I can't think of anyone else that could puts hits out in American citizens and get nothing but praise from lawmakes and media alike.” He argued Obama's freewheeling use of drones to eliminate future generations of 'potential terrorists' is a master stroke of “lubricating” public perception. He confided, “its like boiling frogs little by little. Drop them in hot water and they'll panic. We don't want to do that”. Critics argue Vendetta's remarks are aimed at preemting potential war crimes tribunals by giving the 'credit' to the President.

Vendetta said the President's talents cannot be overstated. “Who else can placate throngs of misguided liberals while at the same time waging war in Pakistan, Lybia, Mali, Syria, Afghanistan, Yemen, Bahrain, and places you have not even heard of and at the same time, support the Saudis, the Israelis, while controlling Morsi in Egypt and really, the whole Mid East.” He went on to say, “I have complete confidence that he will make the whole of Africa safe for investors.”

Vendetta was presented with a meat cleaver as a parting gift. Those close to the Defense Secretaty said they made a “very wise” decision when they insisted the implement would be a toy. One neighbour quipped, “Jesus man, I was worried sick when I heard about it. Our good neighbour is a terrific cook but I'm not sure he wouldn't cut the wrong kind of meat; if you know what I mean.”

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