Monday, March 19, 2018
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Don’t Vote

novoteDon’t Vote. You don’t have to. No one’s going to make you. This isn’t the Soviet Union. You won’t be forced from your beds and dragged to the polls against your wills. Relax. Take a chill pill. Let it go. It’ll all be fine without you.

Things are pretty good the way they are, aren’t they? Well, okay, some stuff could be better. Then again, could be worse. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And if it is broke, leave it alone; who knows, maybe it’ll fix itself. Or let someone who knows what they’re doing fix it. What if you make things worse? How would you feel then? Not good, I bet.
It’s a pointless exercise. You’re only one person. What possible difference could a single vote make? Forget Florida. That was a long long time ago. Ancient history. You’re not going to change anything. They ignore you. You ignore them. And everyone knows those absentee ballots are impossible to fill out and they don’t fit in the envelope and then you got to find a post office and a lot of them aren’t even open anymore.
Besides, you’ve seen the ads. Who could vote for any of these people? According to the television, they’re all crooks. Corrupt agents working for special interests connected to the Chinese government or representatives of a dark criminal conspiracy whose ulterior motive is to enslave our children and extort money for tropical junkets so they can cavort with naked room service waiters.
They’re all alike. There isn’t a dime’s worth of difference between them. It’s like choosing between slamming your fingers in a car door or slicing a three inch deep gash in your thigh with a rusty screwdriver. Anybody who can be elected, shouldn’t be. The inmates are running the asylum. It’s just a puppet show. Don’t you realize you’re being played? Politics is fixed, man. The Tri Lateral Commission runs everything. If voting were actually effective, they would have been made it illegal by now.
It’s all so confusing. Not just the lesser of two evils. More like the evil of two lessers. You’re supposed to know whether some barren deserted beach does or doesn’t get blanketed by a thick film of 30- Weight because of offshore drilling? Find another beach. What’s the big deal? What do you care if your 401k is now a 100.25k. You’re not planning on retiring soon, are you? Good. Best not.
Don’t you have better things to do than stand in line in some smelly garage? Jog on over to your neighborhood library during the hour its operating and read up on other people who never voted, although admittedly they didn’t write a lot of histories. You could work on that extra room for Grandma for when she moves in after the nursing home loses its subsidized funding. Or wave bye- bye to the paramedic unit and rec center while taking a farewell trip on your local mass transit system. That would be fun.
No one’s going to blame you. Who’s to know? If voting is a right, so should not voting be a right. For some people Tuesdays are just biorhythmically bad. Don’t vote. Stay home. Who cares? But remember, if you don’t vote, you can’t bitch. And you do do plenty of that, don’t you?
Will Durst is a San Francisco based political humor columnist who frequently tells jokes. Out loud. On stage. 

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